Fork that. How to REALLY start putting yourself first

I used to own two different sets of silverware all mixed into one drawer. One was old, one was newer, but neither were complete. The new one was shiny and elegant, tailored only to my taste. The older set, I bought with my ex-husband when we first moved in together. It was an expensive-ish purchase, and I felt dumb getting rid of it when it still worked perfectly well. But I didn’t love it.

I originally loved it—the style, the weight—but the heavy, round handle now felt uncomfortable and awkward to hold. And in my fresh start, I didn’t want to use ex-husband silverware. I wanted to use Urban silverware. So every time I extracted an old fork from the top of the pile in my silverware drawer, I’d sigh a little, then go about eating my meal.

Until one day, when I looked at it and thought, “Why am I using a fork I don’t like when I have others I like much better? I am an adult who owns a company and a house and multiple sets of silverware. I can use any fork I want.” So I put it back and selected one from the new set.

It seems so trivial, but looking back, this was a radical moment of self-care. One tiny action I could take to make myself happier. An allowance that I deserved to have something I liked, even if that something was just a fork.

Because it wasn’t just a fork. It was never about the fork.

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Why do we deny ourselves even the smallest, simplest pleasure? Are we afraid of seeming irrational, wasteful, impulsive—or worse, self-indulgent or selfish? Or perhaps we are so conditioned as women to put our own needs dead last that the thought of insulting a piece of flatware stood in the way of my own comfort and happiness.

Fork that.

What if your self-care was smaller than bubble baths and pedicures, smaller even than buying yourself flowers or going for a walk. What if we could, in tiny moments throughout our day, take the path that makes us just a LITTLE bit happier, a LITTLE more comfortable, a LITTLE more content, conscientiously and deliberately, simply because we recognize that we deserve that moment.

Sit in the comfortable chair. Change out the photo you never loved. Donate that thing that belonged to your ex. Walk on the sunny side of the street. Bring a blanket to the movies. Use the fresh Sharpie. Add some spice. Choose the movie. Toss the socks with holes. Use the soft sheets. Microwave it. Change the station. Choose the front row. Eat the last chip. Wear the red lip, the coziest socks, the fancy watch. Stay five more minutes. Get a fresh piece of paper. Don’t finish the book. Ask your Uber driver to turn it down. Tell your partner it’s their turn. Don’t answer the call. Go to bed early. Use the good fork.

We all have a thousand moments in our day when we can choose ourselves at the expense of absolutely no one else (or at the very least, with minimal impact). We’re not conditioned to do this. We’re not taught to do this—in fact, just the opposite. So we have to teach ourselves, and practice over and over again until it becomes second nature to think of ourselves right along with everyone else.

My encouragement to you: Keep looking for ways to take care of you, big and small. Seek out the ones you are already doing and glorify them, big and small. Because none of them are small—not really, when you consider that even the smallest act of self-care can feel like a radical act of rebellion and joy.

XO, MU

P.S. After posting about my uncomfortable fork on Instagram, I heard from a couple who said they also have a fork just like it, and they fight over who gets it at meals—to them, this WAS the good fork. So I packed up my old silverware, cleansed its energy, and shipped it off to that couple. I hope they wake up every morning, gazing at each other across the table, both using a good fork.